September 1, 2016
To: Everyone (World Wide)
From: Daishaun Barnes
I've just wanting to let you know that I am sorry for being in your way. This is actually a good thing that no one will ever have to hear from me again.
I don't get what I deserve what I want and all I ever wanted was to become someone special. I've been trying so hard to make improvements of my professional skills by learning more and practicing. But it seems that I've been getting no where. It's like no one isn't around that could help you anymore because I didn't think that I've been wanting to make animations and now it's like it's been forever. I've been too late. Now what can I do. There isn't anyone that's going to help me. It's like my dreams are getting crushed and I don't know what to do now. My brain is dry as a desert and that's why I don't know much. I don't get enough to do things I actually want to do like the rest of the artist that's out there. I get blown away and I just get ignored by most digital artist that's on DeviantArt. I've been wanting to learn from them so I could actually love myself for who I am. Not hate myself because everyone doesn't like me. Like what type of artist would just leave someone hanging is someone would want to learn from you. So what if your not good at teaching or you don't have the ability to teach. You should always help someone. An artist like that is foolish because I'm guessing that artist just want fans to look at their art for attention. And still I didn't get the right type of help I need to get started on what I like.
The real thing that really bothers me to death is that all I ever want is friends and be with people who would really want to hangout with me. I've been trying hard to make friends. I know not everyone is not my friend but it's like no one on Earth really likes me. I don't understand why but I had a rough childhood. I don't have any friends. Every time I put myself out there something always goes horribly wrong and It feels like every time things happens like this it's my fault. It's like you can't even find anyone who has the same interest that you can relate too. I'm more open when it comes to meeting new people and it's just that no one really likes me. That's why I don't want to go to school because it's not just because I just don't want to go there. I just don't want to go because I've been wondering off at some place else being alone where I have no one to talk to. I hate the fact that I have to be crowded and surrounded by people who dislikes me. That's why most of the time I feel like that I'm just not accepted. What triggers me is that I hear from people saying that things will get better but it's not. No matter how terrible life is, it'll stay terrible. Since when people were good? They always treat me like trash.
It makes me feel like that I'm not important to anyone and I'm not. I apologize that I am actually differently but this is all true. Most people think that I do this for attention or whatever. This feeling makes me want to turn my back against humanity because I've been struggling for so long dealing with people and it just would be best if I'd just go anti-social. I'm more like an open book but if it doesn't last long there's no choice but to actually do whatever I normally do at home which is staying in the house all day, do everyday choirs, get less time on playing my video game and on my phone. It hurts me that I have to think about making friends and no one doesn't give a care about you. I think the problem is me obviously. I just don't know why that I'm going through this pain and I've been trying to figure out why.
I hear from everyone that I can not be trust worthy or people calling me names and everything. I do think that all the time which is really disturbing and I find this really, really bad. Do I really need to go through. No one honestly talks me. So this is why I must simply give up on my dreams and everything I love. All I think that maybe the world would be better off without me.
I would want new friends but no one's interested of being my friend. Too bad that I don't have peers. I am very open to what I like doing the best because I love making friends but still no luck. I feel like that I just don't have the courage anymore. I believed that there was going to be a way that someone would really help me get better. How can life gets better and I feel even more worse than before. I can't see myself in the future because without a doubt I'd committed suicide because it's like I don't belong here on Earth. Just being around people is just isn't my thing.
I'm not really worth anything and I still can't find any luck so. I'm never a lucky person. You know about me trying to talk to a psychologist, I've been talking to one at school. When it was almost near at the end of the school year I've been trying to see if she was wanting to call me. But no answer. It's like I know she's there but she had never called me. I've seen her down in the hallway and she just told me to go back upstairs so why do I need a real psychologist if she's been trying to avoid me. I don't think that she was busy. I don't talk to my family about my depression because they barely understand me of what I'm trying to tell them. I have people who would try to send me to a hospital instead of my family because obviously they think that I am crazy and I've went to a hospital and it felted like I didn't get any special help from there. So what's the point of keep sending me to the hospital if I'm still going to be depressed. I'm not really the attention grabber. I just want to talk to someone about my depression. But I can't find anyone that I could relate to. It's like that I'll never have a good connection with a person who would want to help me, or someone who would really want to be in a relationship with me. I have been dating all the time and seem to get a break off of relationships because it's like when you are in a relationship with someone they'll open up too you and start to relate. But every relationship that I'm in it always turn out to be a screw up. Like I always put the blame on me because it's like I've did something wrong that made them feel uncomfortable, annoyed or anything. People don't interact with me but they seem to get along with different people easily and this is why that I always alone.
About my dreams. They are never real and dreams will never turn out to be true. I strongly believe in Destiny thinking inside my head that I could really do this. But it's like I get nightmares very easily. I get scared that bad things I do will turn out badly. My dream is to be with someone who would have the guts and say that "You don't have to go through this anymore". Like I said before. Sense when people were good?
I'm usually at home on my phone everyday. I actually do choirs more then doing things that I've been wanting to do. I don't honestly go outside as much though. On my own time I only get to do is write stories and it's what I like to do best. There isn't anything better to do. Everyone else I know has friends. My life isn't good enough and honestly I'm not happy about that.
I use my positive language. I use my manners and I respect people who are around me but I'm asking for some respect but it's like everyone refuses to show and those people who are around me would start saying things about me and start too pick on me. That's why I disagree that when people say that I'm a special person, and I think that a special person like me shouldn't be going through any of this.
On Facebook it's just so much drama. I have 3 people say that they're racist against me, not on other blacks. Like seriously you can't be against me just because I'm black and your not against the rest of the black people. When people say things like that it's makes no sense. A lot of people cuts me off or either shuts me down.
No one isn't here for me. No one is and no one can prove it. No one tries to make things up for me when bad things happen. I'm just a person who's always alone. Don't know what's going on most if the time. Don't know what too do. I'm not very proud of myself for who I am. I will never experience what's friendship or true love is really like.
I just want to enjoy what life is really like on the bright side. Sooner or later it's like I won't be able to because this is how I feel now. I just that my life was meant to be thrown away or get used up.
I just want to be like the rest of those people that are out there.